I started feeling rather weird this week and I didn’t exactly know why, and then I remembered, it’s almost the 27th. Some days are definitely worse than others. Some 27ths are also worse than others. I pray that tomorrow may be a peaceful day. I have a book that I read every morning that gives me peace. It is called “moments of peace in the morning.” One of my best friends bought it for me and I am really thankful for them and the book. Obviously the book is less important but that is beside the point. I have really begun to reflect on my time here at LMU and it has been awesome. I have worked so hard and I have gotten the opportunities to do so many things and meet so many people. It has truly been a blessing in my life. Thank you :). I’m falling asleep right now…goodnight!
Today I went to CLC for the first time in a while because we had not gotten a chance to meet in the last year. It was such a warming experience. It reminds me of how much CLC has molded me into being a better person. It has helped me be both closer to God and closer to those around me. There is a light burning inside of me. There is a light burning inside all of us, we just need our lights to all coalesce to shine on the darknesses of the world and have a huge impact. It is possible and it can be done! CLC helped me realize even moreso that I am not the only one uncertain about what the future has in store. Many of my peers are also thinking about graduate school, postgraduate service and other possibilities. This is really the first time in my life where I don’t know what the next step will be. There are many options and routes I could take. The homily at mass today was beautiul and it was what I really needed to hear. Bishop Bennet awed us with his eloquence and now with his words of wisdom, I feel a little better. I am realizing that I need to think with my heart not about how far grades or standardized tests can take me. If my heart is in it, I can do anything!!
It truly puts a damper on the dawn when you get a call at 5 something in the am, mid sleep. But what is worse is the fact that it is from a lonely old woman who sits handicapped in her apartment building, delusional. She sees women in scarves smoking outside of her window. Her knees, swollen, the size of grapefruits, her legs and feet swollen as well. It is a sad site to see. The thought of her lonesome rings even sadder in realizing no one is there to help her get out of bed. No one is there to lift her up when she falls. She is living alone when she shouldn’t be and that is the saddest part. I remember telling my mom that it just doesn’t make sense that she is alone. Then I think to myself, would I be willing to end her lonesome. I am not all I am cracked up to be. I don’t think I would have the heart or the strength to live with her and take care of her. It’s easier said than done and I have seen the amount of work it takes. It is a true test of if this desire I have to be selfless is real, it is a humbling experience to let me know that I am not there yet. I still have some growing to do. I have more of life to experience.
In life we are never really garaunteed anything. We rarely get what we want without consequences falling upon ourselves or others. They may not necessarily be negative, but at certain points they can be detrimental. I am learning a lot as I grow older and am faced with situations in which I have to adjust my thoughts and lifestyles for the ways of others. I just wish other people could understand this, that way the world would be a better place. To all those that say I am too nice and people tread on me, I feel sorry for you, because I feel those are the people who still require a bit of growth and maturity in their life. I stand up for what I believe in and fight for what is right. May this new year of 2010 promote a level of growth and maturity in our society that enables us to move forward as a human race.
excuse me for my lack of conceit
the humility prayer became my friend
so i tattoo it on my heart over and over again
i start to believe i’m in the orchestra of privilege
then i put my horn down
and batter my arrogance to the ground
yet it peaks its head out of the sky like the sun
illuminating the desire of success
as i refute thoughts of being the chosen one
yet their is not enough fabric to hide this facial dress
surrounding myself with balloons labeled
as they burst in the dark night like fables
of a boy that wasn’t truly able to tap into his potential
then prayed daily for a synonym to replace content
because no contention could intricately
sum the life of one who lived with so much love
and passion and desire only to be contained, or stable, or in a state of emotion that seems to lack just that
to be content is to in a way lack content
i see glimpses of it
but it stops my heart from being on fire